


phoenix

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Author is tired, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Metaphors, Past Relationship(s), Queerplatonic Relationships, Toxic Relationships, analogies, does that give you the right to misgender me? no, i guess, lots of people that i know are mentioned, pronouns are they/he if you are curious, sorry - Freeform, sorry if i’m being rude, that turns into a motivational speech, this fic is dedicated to my qpp, vent fic, yes i refer to my past self as she
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25764796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: everybody has different colours.
Kudos: 1





	phoenix

everything has colour, i’ve noticed. every person, every thing. there’s a certain colour to each, just like everyone carries a certain scent different from every other.

so, if you ever feel bland. maybe it’ll help to know that in a way, you are unique. nobody shares that scent, and there will never be two same colours.

i think it’s an actual thing - for people and things to have colours, but i don’t recall the name, and we don’t have good wifi here.

when i met her, izzy was a teal. she just was. teal like the sky and ocean mixed, vast and full.

always teal, like those pale eyes. those pale eyes that always shone.

but, teal and purple do not mix. teal and purple clash, and clash they did.

i hate how i was back then. such a toxic, relentless dick. so self-absorbed. i wish i could go back and beat myself to a pulp for my own pure dumbfuckery.

but, after we broke, i must admit, i did learn and grow. for better and for worse.

when she was gone, i had much time to think. there was no one to occupy myself with. nobody to vent to and nobody to run to.

i never realized how much i needed her until that loneliness struck me so crippling.

i missed her everyday. i awaited, wishing i could go back. go back and apologize, for everything. for all i did. all i blamed her for when she did nothing wrong.

and then, i did.

i came back, and when i did, she was right there.

except, when she came back, izzy was not teal.

izzy was a stunning, flashing, beautiful gold. she shone like the sun, like the riches of the richest kings. like the rings on fingers and so much more.

so much different from teal, like how my colours changed as well.

no longer the deep, secretive purple. hiding her secrets and delving into royals. viewing only herself and no one else. sitting back and watching as others did the work.

i was red. harsh and intense, colours bare. nothing to hide anymore.

i was so red i dyed my hair, and i intend to go brighter.

and, you know what? i’m no professional, but on the colour wheel...

gold and red go pretty well.

and go pretty well they did.

better now, no longer toxic, she’s my queer platonic partner - or a moiral, if you read homestuck.

i hate the rocking, dark waves of a deep ocean to which we once were. so much to hide for so little reasons.

i’m not sure about her, but i like it better this way.

gold shines with nothing to hide. red blazes with nothing to shield.

colours bare, her hand in mine. i could conquer the world, but only if she was right by my side every step of the way.

i wish nothing more whenever we’re apart to hold her hand in mine. to feel the breathe flowing from orange lips - i always said they’d taste like orange soda (if i wasn’t so focused on not laughing out of giddy when we kissed to see then maybe i would know) - on my neck. to hold her close.

i much prefer punk and alt from emo and emo.

she told me once about a bracelet that originates from scene but can be punk.

she’s making one for me. i will wear it to my deathbed.

someday, i’ll find a way to pay her back. someday.

i try to pay her back as much as i can, but i always worry that talking, holding, and listening is not enough. i always worry that the music isn’t enough.

i try with money. i buy her many things, i get her as much as i can. i listen to whatever she shows me and i try to get her anything if i think she’ll like it.

but, i worry that’s not enough either. does it really make her happy? is she truly enjoying the gift? maybe i should go further. more expensive? or would she just like me to hand her the money in full?

but, maybe she doesn’t want money. i’d try to buy her the earth and more if i could, but that would not only be rude to the abundance of life but also because i’m not made of money. my mom works as a food health marketer and my dad works as a fence designer. we’re not exactly celebrities.

but, compared to my middle class life, she deserves the money. she needs it. she needs a home with a good mom and a home with enough food to last her.

i can’t wait to see her again. my hand feels so empty without hers in it.

she’s so supportive and kind. she emulates the gold and does it in stride. she’s everything gold and more.

but, you know what’s different than time?

izzy used to be the teal, a blanket of mystery and an inferno of rage. it surrounded her, trapping her through her very soul.

now the gold is izzy. a soldier, a survivor, a lover, a friend. no longer covered by her colour. izzy holds the gold and wields it weaponry and armour. you no longer see teal before you see izzy, but instead izzy, and then the shine of gold emulating from every fibre.

just as i am red, she is gold. just as logan is deep blue, just as grace is bright green-teal.

we are not our traumas, we are not our pasts.

we are what we make of ourselves. we are not restrained nor trapped by our colours.

life doesn’t end so simply. life is an uphill climb, and you can’t just slow down now. you can’t just hang in defeat when the hike gets rocky.

life will be a challenge no matter what. what matters is that we get better at dealing with those challenges, and that we rise.

everyone is a phoenix. you just have to pull yourself from the flames and ashes and rise to the sky.

and it isn’t easy, i know. nobody is a phoenix overnight, it just doesn’t happen.

what matters is that you make an effort to be that phoenix. i don’t care if you think you don’t deserve to be, or that you can’t be because of something or other.

hush! everyone is a phoenix! yes, everyone! including you, and you, and you! everyone has the ability to rise from the ashes. everyone has the ability to fly high from the flames. i don’t care who you are or what you’ve done - the past does not define us! it never will and it never does!

what matters is that we don’t let it define us. i’ve met many people who have let it define them, one of them including my brother, who was so lost he used it to lash out and harm me as hard as possible - and, boy, did he harm.

but, that’s besides the point. the point is, everyone is a phoenix! i don’t care what your reasons are, you are a phoenix! everyone is a phoenix! including you, the person reading this right now!

so, even if your colours are grim right now, people change! what matters is that you take the stride.

there is no magic fairy or saviour. the only person that can make you a phoenix is you! we’re just along to help you reach that, but you’re the only one who can push you back up.

relapses are part of recovery, nothing is the finished end. i know that with everything happening right now, everything seems like it’s trying to push you to give up, but it isn’t! life isn’t bad forever, i promise. yes, life is never easy, but it gets better. life will always be challenging, life will always be a hike. but, you wanna know what?

the longer you hike, the better you get. the stronger your legs become and the stronger your endurance grows. you will make it out, i assure you. your story does not finalize on this chapter.

and, plus, you’ve made it this far! you’ve hiked for so, so long! why stop now? think about all you’ve done. all life has put you through. why are you stopping now? why are you giving up? you’ve gotten so far! you’re so close! your dreams, your wishes, your aspirations!

it’s going to be alright! yes, it storms, yes, it seems like the pain is never ending. but, let me tell you, it isn’t! and i know it’s going to take a lot more than just my words to fix it, but it’s going o be okay.

you’ll make it out. you’re a phoenix, i promise you. whoever you are, whoever is reading this right now, **_you_** are a phoenix.

recovery is a steady process. nothing fixes instantly, and relapses are alright. but, sooner than you know it, you’ll find yourself out of the fire and into the sky.

you’ll find yourself out of the woods and into the open plains.

it’s going to be okay.

your colours do not define you.

**Author's Note:**

> and if you ever need to talk (i am no therapist, but i’m always happy to listen, distract, and advise.)
> 
> instagram : thats.just.alastar  
> tumblr : starburn.solian  
> steven universe amino: tea [ipad] [molly from epithet erased pfp] soli [iphone] [nb rights kirishima pfp]


End file.
